Why must have it taken me going away from the place I have known all of my life to realize that I may have anxiety? I don't feel well. I am nervous. I have ever ending nerves since coming here. I don't know what to do or say. I don't want to go home for several reasons, staring with: it's only been two days. I haven't even begun classes. I have read the syllabus for two classes, and that is what makes me nervous. Speaking in front of people. I don't know how to do it. I am uncomfortable, my voice shakes, I feel warm for tens of minutes after. The last I spoke in front of a large crowd was almost two years ago, after it happened, I cried in my seat for almost ten minutes after. I don't want to be put on the spot, but unfortunately this class is required. How will I survive? Other than that, I do not have the syllabuses for the other classes and that makes me nervous. Was I already supposed to have them? I haven't been notified that I should, yet was if I'm supposed to have read them? Can I handle being here? I can leave if I want, I just don't want it to be so soon. Maybe I should have stayed? Will leaving after a year be okay? I don't know anything. I don't even have the medication I want to relieve myself of headaches and stress. In the end, typing this, I can't give any other reasons why I'm nervous? Yes, there's speaking and doing well in class, but why I am so nervous because of so few reasons? Is this anxiety? My stomach aches, my head is clouded, I shake, I feel unwell, I can't get over the nervous feeling. I need help.

Why do I feel nothing? At what age is one supposed to know what they want in life? For most, at the age of 18 students are expected to have an idea of what they want in life and then sent to a university to accomplish said thing. 17 is the age I am now being sent into what is known as "the adult world." I will be entering college, entering a world that is completely different from what I've known, and I'm expected to succeed. Why am I not happy that I am moving on in life? I was accepted into a well known school, with high  marks, yet I do not have any interest in going. Some may say, why didn't you just wait? But how could I? I do not have any confidence in myself and did not think I would ever be ready to move on. For that reason, I pushed myself into this situation. I don't know what I want in life, I have nothing I want to be. So many will say that you can go to school then later on find yourself, but I don't believe that. In our society, waiting usually means failure. I fear failure. I have so many different thoughts about college and the future, many questions, but no answers. No one knows the future, I understand that, but usually people have some sort of goal or want to keep them going. Me? I have nothing. My words throughout this entire text many have gotten jumbled or random, but I think it comes down to that. I have nothing I want. I don't know where I am going or how I'm going to accomplish it. My only chance is to try, but I'm afraid. I don't believe in myself. I'll try, don't know if I'll make it, but getting out my thoughts calmed me down for now. I'll go out there and try, mostly because I made the decision myself. I can't back out now. I'm just not sure how things will go being who I am.

Have you ever felt like the worst person in the world? Like you ruin everything, including the lives of the people around you? What am I doing? I feel like I do not want to be around my family. I mess up everything for them. I get them angry, I make them argue, and make them mad at myself. In some ways, I don't understand what I did wrong, but in others, I do. My family and I have too many problems, they now affect our everyday lives. There is always anger surrounding us. How do I fix what I helped create? Is it too late to fix our issues? Even if I want to fix our problems, does that mean my family will want to fix them as well? Even if I tried, I don't think that peace between us would last. I just want things to be better than they are now. I want to stop the tears and screaming, but I just don't know how.

Why are we so afraid of failure? Why do we worry about the approval of others? Shouldn't our own opinions and thoughts be the only ones that matter? I am afraid to fail, but am I more afraid of failing myself or my parents? My parents have high expectations and set standards. I always try to live up to them, but if I do one small thing wrong, I'm afraid of their disappointment in me. I do not want to be thought of as a failure, I do not want to do wrong. Why are these expectations so difficult to live up to? Is it I who is not putting up enough effort or is it that these expectations are simply out of reach? To me, they are not out of reach. They aren't because others can accomplish them. This entire matter relates to comparing oneself to another. Should I not compare myself to others? But if I don't, where do I set the standards for myself? All of this seems so complicated. In the end, all I know is that I don't want to fail. But how can I do that when I don't understand what complete failure is? I am definitely not saying that I am perfect, but what do I think of as failing? What do my parents think failure is? Is it simply not reaching a goal? It may be hard for me to understand, but I know that I will try harder from now on. I don't know if I will succeed, but will continue to try. I will also want the approval of my parents, because what they think is important to me. As long as I try, I don't think that I will fail in my own eyes and I want that to be the only thing that matters.

Life is beautiful, but life is also horrid. Life is beautiful because everyday things occur that makes the world seem to shine. Babies are born, people accomplish great achievements. Life is also horrid because everyday, things happens that create depression. Around us all the time, there are people who cry, who are hurt, and people who die. Sadly, this is unavoidable, but life shouldn't be viewed as a bad thing. There is so much more to life than the concept of death. You get to live, create new things, meet new people, accomplish a goal. I want more people to view life as something amazing. Death is inevitable, but that does not mean someone should revolve their world around it. I encourage everyone to go out and accomplish something today, no matter what it is. Don't focus on the negativity that surrounds you and go out and do something amazing, that will make you happy and feel proud of yourself.

There is one thing I want to do right now. I want to forget. I want to forget all of the mistakes I have made. I dwell on the slightest mistakes. The ones that everyone else had probably already forgotten. Yet, they can't escape my mind. They are stuck there. I am forced to remember these small mistakes that most people would have already forgotten or never even made a big deal out of. Why can't I forget these small things. I don't ever want to make small mistakes like those again, is that why I can't forget them? Is it just me never wanting to do those things again, so I remember what not to do? I don't know if that is true, but I hope there will come a day when I don't have to dwell on the things I have done. I want to forget them and move on.

Why is reality suddenly coming so fast? This past year of my life has been the most difficult in my life. I have shed more tears than I ever have before. So many bad things have been happening. My life may seem difficult right now, but it makes me feel even more terrible when I realize that people have it worse. It makes me so sad inside when I hear about death or illness. Right now those issues are affecting so many people, they are even affecting the people I am close with. I do not know what can be done though. To anyone, please remember not to take anything for granted. Please keep your family safe. Remember to take care of yourself as well. Life is not easy, right now that lesson is coming at me more than ever before. Please be safe, hold onto and appreciate your loved ones. Keep them all close for as long as you have them. We cannot change reality, we can only accept it.